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The voices know everything about me. They mock me for never having been with a man, calling me "the dried-up virgin" while describing in graphic detail what they'd do to me if they were real. "NO ONE WOULD WANT THAT SMELLY FISH CUNT ANYWAY," they sneer when I'm trying to sleep. "YOU'LL DIE ALONE, SMELLING OF ROT AND FAILURE." Sometimes they pretend to be my mother, her voice weak and disappointed: "Noura, why can't you be more like your cousin? She married a good man and already has two children. What is wrong with you?"

I can't tell anyone what's happening to me. The authorities would just lock me away in some psychiatric facility, and my family would be shamed forever. My brother's reputation would be ruined, and no decent man would ever marry him. In Saudi Arabia, mental illness is seen as a curse, as something to be hidden away. I've seen how people treat those who are "different" here - they whisper behind their backs, cross themselves when they pass by. I would rather die than bring that shame on my family.

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Last night was particularly bad. I was trying to sleep, but they kept me awake for hours, describing how they would break into our apartment and rape my mother while forcing me to watch. "WE'LL MAKE YOU WATCH, NOURA. WE'LL MAKE YOU HOLD HER HAND WHILE WE DO IT. AND THEN WE'LL MAKE YOU CLEAN UP THE MESS, JUST LIKE YOU CLEAN THOSE FISH." The worst part is that some twisted part of me almost wants it to happen. At least then the voices would be real, at least then I wouldn't feel like I'm completely losing my mind.

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